32 weeks, 5 days

All I want to do is go to sleep – but I can’t.

Restless legs. Tiny body parts trying to push out of my right side. A bladder that can’t hold more than a tablespoon of liquid without having to be voided.

So instead, I’m sitting in a shallow tub of warm water to soothe my leg muscles as I type this, and thinking back over the day.

I have been feeling better these past few weeks, but today hit me like a truck. It wasn’t particularly busy, or stressful. If anything, it was slow.

My biggest craving this pregnancy has been mint. In particular – Eclipse spearmint gum. In a way, I’m lucky, since I can still have sugar free gum, but because it’s the only craving I can really give into, I’ve been chewing so many pieces a day – 3 at a single time, often back to back to back – that it’s been causing tension headaches. Also today, I’m pretty sure I tasted blood while I was chewing, so there’s the damage I’m doing to my gums I’m sure.

Around lunch, I just didn’t feel right. It could have been the gum. In hindsight, I should have checked my blood pressure to be sure, but it occurred to me I might also just be exhausted.

I headed to my parents’ to visit my 4-year-old and eat lunch. I packed Cheerios and berries – my grand experiment of the day – sure it was going to spike me. Either I underestimated my body, or it was all the almonds I ate to offset the carbs, cuz I inexplicably tested well at 107 an hour after.

But the after lunch crash was brutal. Around 2:30/3 p.m., I just couldn’t anymore. This happens to me rarely, but my usual remedy – a walk to the bookstore to grab something chocolate to jolt me to life for the remainder of the day – is now a no-no with gestational diabetes.

Left with few other options, I took a walk – a very painful walk, as they often are these days – to the campus library and perused the books.

The quiet, soothing atmosphere of the library and thumbing through the titles was a calming distraction for awhile, until it was time to head back to the office. I worried I wouldn’t make it. I felt awful. Kind of dizzy, out of it, unable to concentrate. And the walking hurt even more.

By the time I got to my parents’ to pick up my daughter and have dinner, I didn’t feel like eating, but I forced down chili with a small handful of crackers anyway. An hour later I felt a little bit better (and tested well again), though I never figured out what ailed me.

I know getting some sleep tonight would help me avoid the same tomorrow, but here I am.

I love the child growing inside me, and I know that after 7 or fewer weeks, I’ll never know what it is to be pregnant ever again. But I can’t wait for her to be on the outside. Healthy, but on the outside. My body has just not handled pregnancy well this time around.

The same way people tell you not to complain in the summer that it’s hot because it’ll soon be winter and you’ll be complaining about the cold – they also say you’ll miss being pregnant when you are no longer. But I’m telling you right now – I’m the person in 0-degree weather proclaiming that at least I’d rather be cold than hot, and I’m also the person who remembers the sleepless nights as a new mom and will always prefer them to the discomforts of being pregnant.

At least after the baby is born, you CAN physically sleep. And the reason you can’t is infinitely cuter than a protruding belly and stabbing pains in your hips and pelvis.

Friday is our 33-week ultrasound to check on the movement of my placenta, and to try and capture Baby Violet’s cardiac outflow tracts, which haven’t been captured at either of our other two scans. The doc said he doesn’t HAVE to see them, but that it would be nice. Of course, I made the mistake of Googling, and instantly freaked myself out with worry that our girl could have an undiagnosed congenital heart defect, even though the four chambers of her heart appear perfectly normal. I can’t think about that anymore.

I have enough anxiety in general.

Hopefully we will have some time to ask the questions about GD that we haven’t had the chance to ask since our diagnosis. The husband is coming along to ensure that some get asked. Sometimes I blank on my own.

Like –

  • How is my glucose management going so far?
  • When/how high/how often should blood sugar spikes concern me?
  • When will we have to start getting the non-stress tests the nurse mentioned via email?
  • Will this mean I will need to be induced?
  • How likely is a C-section at this point?

See, I’m already blanking.

I should probably get to bed and come back to my list of questions when I’m less exhausted.

Check in again in a few days!

One thought on “32 weeks, 5 days

  1. Check out our blog for moms and moms to be and join our community and conversations. Would love to hear your thoughts and advice you can share with other ladies.

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